?

Log in

 

A post - The LiveJournal Poet Guild

About A post

Previous Entry A post Nov. 10th, 2005 @ 09:44 pm
Joined the community - didn't see a multitude of poems, so I have decided to post one.

Polished fancies in window sill,
Sullen child crying, tantrum as father pays the bill.
Drop dead in the night of winter
A biting wind complimented by icy beard.

Polk-a-dot bargains, being scolded by the mini
Forgotten in the closet beside the old cardigan.
Lost amongst the fanning eyes, dark and lonely in the game
Slipping gracefully on knee high tights, what a shame.

Steam rising from the gutters,
Sewer breathe fogging down the stairs.
Old lonely man wandering,
Looking for a love or coat to wear.

And the ancient sea side rumble,
Singing songs upon the shore.
Dips nighttime into daylight,
Last cockerel crowing in the salty morn.

Loving dandies, mistaken queens
Hopeful children jumping with glee.
Small stature elf-man yelling for more
Showing them in and out through the door.
Snowy reprieve in the conceptual town
Little Milton has sung, the rabbit has run
Forgetting the fennel in place for the swear
Gas guzzling car being bought and then bared.

Your weary eyed mother, in her trailer-park home
Decorating the palm leaves with obedient care –
Soft baked chocolates to be cooled in the air
Worshiped by children, in their gloomy night-lair.
Listen up families, runners of coal
The miners of silver, orange pickers and whores –
Your Christmas song is being sung, echoing through the halls
Drop your picks and busting purses, to dance with us all.

Lukewarm punches being served at the party,
Khaki clad soldiers being doled out rum and some candy.
The mercenary children being led off to war
Businessmen in their coat tails crying for more!
The twit and the player, the joker and fool
Court jesters we call for, a play then a duel –
Bread for the hungry, circus for the bored
Nero sends his cold tidings, will you come watch it burn?
Leave a comment
[User Picture Icon]
From:markthepoet
Date:November 11th, 2005 04:07 am (UTC)
(Link)
First of all, thank you for joining! I hope we can learn alot from one another.

Next, I'd like to get technical flaws of the poem out of the way.
Stanza 2 line 4
"Slipping gracefully on knee high tights, what a shame."
Knee high. Knee-high is technically correct, but you are a licensed poet and can ommit the hyphen if you will.

Stanza 3 line 2
"Sewer breathe fogging down the stairs"
Breathe. I beleive you meant breath. Breathe is the verb form. Breath is the noun form.

Stanza 4 line 1
"And the ancient sea side rumble,"
sea side. Seaside is technically correct. again, you may use you licesne.. but I got distracted by this one.

Stanza 6 line 1
"Your weary eyed mother, in her trailer-park home"
Weary eyed. Weary-eyed is also technically correct here. I also think this ads to the aesthetics of trailer-park. Look:
Your weary-eyed mother, in her trailer-park home
Seems more pleasing and balanced.

Stanza the last, line 2
"Khaki clad soldiers being doled out rum and some candy."
It's not clear what is being said here... do you mean
Khaki clad soldiers being doled-out rum and some candy.
or
Khaki clad soldiers being doled out, rum and some candy.
Something just makes this line hard to read.

Stanza the last, line 4
"Businessmen in their coat tails crying for more!"
Coat tails. Cottails is technicaly correct.

Now that the techinical is out of the way...

The piece definitely has some pleasing sounds to the ear. I read it out loud three times and I liked it better out loud than I did reading it on the screen. This is because there is punctuation you have placed which seems to block the natural flow of the poem. For example
"Sullen child crying, tantrum as father pays the bill."
That comma after crying forced me to stop when I was reading it on the screen. When i read it out loud, howevere, I skipped the comma pause and read it as "Sullen child crying tantrum as father pays the bill." That made the whole small stanze flow so much better.

Another place was
"Singing songs upon the shore.
Dips nighttime into daylight,"
This seemed to degenerate into nothingness. What is dipping? When i read it aloud it seemed to make sense to replace the full-stop period with a comma
"Singing songs upon the shore,
Dips nighttime into daylight,"
Now it made sense and flowed better.

Another place where meaning was skewed was here
"Slipping gracefully on knee high tights, what a shame."
When I read this the first two times I had the same image: a woman walking and slipping on a pair of tights that were on the floor... as in banana peel slipping. i read it once aloud as
"Slipping on gracefully knee high tights, what a shame." it made the picture clear that she was slipping them on and not slipping on them. I don't think it detracts from the flow at all, but it does wonders for the image.

I have to say that these are not my favorite kinds of pieces. But this is constructive criticism so I will pretend for a moment I do.
The piece is affective and visual. I get alot of mental images, coal miners, children, the old man, the seaside, yawning people attending a circus.. There is some very good use of alliteration. "Singing songs upon the shore."
"Soft baked chocolates to be cooled in the air
Worshiped by children"

There is only one thing that I think needs improvement in future poems. Your rhyming feels forced. At times, I think the poem would have been better if it hadn't rhymed because it felt so forced it was distracting. For eample:
"Lost amongst the fanning eyes, dark and lonely in the game
Slipping gracefully on knee high tights, what a shame."
and
"Forgetting the fennel in place for the swear
Gas guzzling car being bought and then bared."
Other places, your rhyming was very affective and seemed to be easy for you to write. For example:
"The mercenary children being led off to war
Businessmen in their coat tails crying for more!
The twit and the player, the joker and fool
Court jesters we call for, a play then a duel –"

Well done on those few lines, by the way! True poetic genius!

I hope this is helpful and useful.

-Mark

(Leave a comment)
Top of Page Powered by LiveJournal.com